(no subject)
untouchable1126


I wanna start writing here again just to remember. I am forgetting huge chunks of my life. anyway rn I'm in calculus and I just wana fucking leave and go bp on mexican food down the block they have burritos and a single person bathroom.I have been big on the bp lately and I'm thinking now I probs won't get another chance til next wk but do I trust myself to do the review legit? final is wednesday. Omg it sounds so good tho and I'd have about an hour which is more than I would need I think. Idk fuck I'll wait a few more min


Intermittent fasting
untouchable1126


I'm excited, I seem to have found a plan that works for me. I fasted 36 hrs, I had planned to fast four days or longer but I started getting that scary feeling that I would binge when I got home so I bought food here at school (sushi) but it was very controlled and I did not feel any binge trigger from it! Actually it just made me want to get thru another 36-48hrs and get that floaty, calm feeling back. I did allow some vodka on my fast lol (hey it's clear liquid right? Jk) but overall I feel it's a success and today I was down 4lb from my last weigh (some days ago). I think this is something I could sustain long term, hopefully until gw (approx 26 lb for a new lw) or at least a few months to get a good start, feel good, numb my stress feelings a little, get some control, etc etc. I'm going on vacation this weekend, I should be able to keep up minimal eating (it'd deff save money) and I wanna look as good as I can in pics. Then at home it's 36+ hrs between meals of about 100-500 cals of HEALTHY food. Hopefully I'll be back soon with some positive news to report!


New plan
untouchable1126


I'm so excited I think I have finally found the right plan! I have school Tues and Thurs, and I work Fri and Sat overnights altho til we hire someone else I'll be doing Thurs overnight too. So the plan is 300cal Mon/Wed/Sun, 500 Tues/Thurs, and 800 Fri/Sat. There's a gym at school and since I get there at 8am but don't have class til 2pm I plan to work out those days too, plus what I can do at home. I'll have my staple foods but the 500&800 days actually allow a lot of room to rearrange around cravings or if my mom cooks etc. So it's something I could realistically sustain. Also work days are always a dilemma bc I am up from about 2pm-8am so it's a really long "day". I might have my Thurs be the 800 sometimes instead of Sat until the new hire is here bc those days I'll be up 5am-7am Fri unless I can nap between 7pm and 11pm. But I'm off Wed so I can sleep in then or go to bed early. I do best on plans that revolve around eating my same 5-7 staple foods but if I am too restricted I'll fail and then binge, but too much freedom and I binge or get off track gradually, so being able to rearrange around a food I want but still be able to have a successful day is good. The 300 days will keep me losing, the 500 days will allow for small indulgence, and the 800 days take care of my weird work schedule. And I can rearrange the week if something unexpected happens. I feel so relieved, I've been restricting ok the past few weeks but I feel adrift without a real plan but it's stupid to be indecisive while I'm trying to make the perfect one. But anyway now I have it and I feel in control and capable and I know what groceries to get and how much and I think it'll be effective while working with my lifestyle so yay!


Communities
untouchable1126

also the internet at my house isn't working, so I can only post in my own journal with the app on my phone. I want to be active in communities again though! I feel un-listened to, and I don't really even want to talk to the ppl I know. My mom is the worst though. She shuts me out and tells me what I think and feel. I can't help but think she has a pretty low opinion of me. She brings out the worst in me, so I can't blame her, but it's because she doesn't understand me, she can't. And whenever I have a real problem she uses the opportunity to hurt me. Then if I say things like that she says I'm "playing victim." Thanks, didn't know you were a therapist. But she read some self help books in the 70s, so hey, she knows everything. Also she went to therapy for a few years in the 80s, so she's totally perfect now! Isn't that great?? *sarcasm* Also my sister is a total drug addict. It used to be bad, but now it's out of control completely. She's been in the psych ward like 10x this year. She's in rehab so I'm hoping it works. The drugs made her a total sociopath. I'm not kidding, I'm working on a degree in neuroscience and they taught me how to administer the test. She scored 30. We used to be so close and we're getting there again, but I miss her and I can't get her back bc she's such a liar and scammer now. My mom keeps saying she wants the "old (her) back." Me, I don't care who she is now, I just want the real her, and one who doesn't lie to me. She doesn't even need to, I never rat her out even though she tells my secrets (or ones she makes up) anytime she's mad at me. Also I'm afraid to say this, but she's become a bit of a racist which is so disgusting to me. Not to mention incredibly stupid, since all educated people know race is a social construct designed to divide people and keep rich people in power. No biological evidence whatsoever. Wow, this really turned into a personal beans-spilling lol. Basically I want to be the person I want to be, not this lazy loser I've become. Dependent. It's almost good, in a bad way, that my life feels so out of control. It makes me need the control over food again. And being thin makes me feel less ashamed, no matter what's going on inside. I'm older than everyone at school, and I feel like a dork, even though in sf I was doing so many cool events and hanging out with such cool friends. I feel like people are laughing at me now, even tho they're probably not even paying attention. Actually, I'm feeling a little better after writing again. I'm going to go to the school gym and fuck it if I have to change in front of all these supermodels. They can just look at my fat ass and deal with it lol. if I keep going, that won't be the case soon. I hate that I weigh what I weighed last year. 145, bmi 19.4 or so. Oink oink. I think being over 25 has changed my metabolism. Restricting doesn't do much. I need to exercise, but I have so little time. But I can do it at school now, and their gym is fancy as fuck! Brand new everything. I'm gonna go there now and do something instead of whining. Thx for listening, if anyone is. Just getting it out is enough though.
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(no subject)
untouchable1126

I'm at UCSB now. Someone told me it's like, the university capitol of eating disorders and I can see why. Every girl here could be a model, and plenty have the massive thigh gaps and bony arms that scream ana. There's an amazing gym here that I'm dying to use but I'm scared to shower in front of all the skinny girls and I don't want to go to class all sweaty. I know nobody gives a crap about me but I feel so self conscious all the time. I don't usually have so much anxiety; why am I scared all the time? At least it's motivating. I have to go to bed really early now to get up in time to take the bus all the way out here, so I'm gonna pack lunches and only eat at school. That way I'll only eat things I'd be willing to let these girls see me eat, which isn't much, believe me.

Hating myself
untouchable1126


I drank a bunch this week and I hate that afterward I always have this horrible self conscious embarrassed feeling, whether I did anything embarrassing or not. Which this time I pretty much didn't, which is really good. I hate feeling scared. I didn't really binge either. And school is going ok, I even did well on my test. This whole semester has been me screwing myself over. I hope it doesn't become one of those mistakes that follows me. The ed stuff has kind of taken a backseat to me taking pills a lot and drinking sometimes. I want to get out of my head but I wouldn't have to if I didn't have bad thoughts which are not helped by making stupid choices to feel bad about. I am always self conscious about my weight though. I am still wearing the same two pairs of jeans that fit all the time. It really frustrates me that even when I control my food I don't lose much, only with exercise. And I really didn't have time for it, I end up doing hw morning til night. Which basically means sitting a lot. This week I definitely had time but I thought it would be better to waste days boozing around like the gross alcoholics I know. I am in class now and so self conscious/paranoid and agoraphobic feeling, ij just want to run away. But then I'd just be alone with myself. I see my psych tomorrow  I'm going to ask him if he thinks I should get therapy. he was thinking of switching me from lamictal to lithium for bipolar, any experiences? I don't want to take it, I feel like lithium is risky for my health (ha!). he was thinking of adding a mood stabilizer too like depakote. This is getting expensive. On another note, I went to the la times festival of books this weekend, walked a ton. I got kinda irresponsible buying books, I feel kinda bad. And cos I rented a zipcar, it was like $165 for the weekend. It was great though, I was so happy, I met margaret atwood and molly ringwald and demetri martin (second time) and the ones I was most excited about, lemony snicket and francesca lia block. And they both talked to me for awhile and it was wonderful I was so happy! Crazy how things change so suddenly. I was also proud of myself for driving to usc and back twice when this is the first time I've driven in 7yrs. Especially the part on the hollywood freeway where all the freeways cross over each other and everybody starts changing lanes at the last minute. So tired of the ups and downs, my brain screwing me over and me making no effort to stop it now, even when college depends on it. also I got into uc riverside (I would have to move and get my own apartment) and ucsb and I can't decide. Deadline may 1st. Not to mention I have to email them and tell them I might get D's. I'm afraid to move out but ucr has a med school and I'd have a really good chance of getting in. I'm also afraid to stay home. Change nothing, be living at home til I'm 30. I felt so competent last year, doing well in school, no bad behavior with drugs and alcohol. although I was binging which I hated,.felt out of.control. And now I have no control in a different way. Can't I just make the right choices all the time, be perfect? Sometimes I wish I would get so skinny and sick that everyone would forgive me and expect nothing from me. Really though I hate not wearing my clothes. My friend said I didn't have any fitted dresses and I said I did, he asked why I didn't wear them and I had to say they didn't fit now. God I want to run away and hide right now. I'm gonna take an ativan and probably go get some cough pills to take and not have to think about anything.


(no subject)
untouchable1126


I feel so fucking hopeless. and broken. and I cry all the time, really easily and in public like in class and it's just embarrassing, I hate it. and my teacher made fun of it which just sucked more. I feel fractured


Day 2
untouchable1126


It's been 43 hours so far and zero calories. I'm down about 4lb, though I didn't weigh for a couple days before the fast so I'm counting from that. I did have a couple cans of coke zero this morning but it's zero cal and although I want to cut down I don't want to just cut them out completely and immediately. I guess I'm pretty addicted to caffeine cos I had a headache this morning and now it's gone. God it feels good to be in control! This is exactly what I wanted, to know I can still do it, to do what I said I would, and the weight loss is very encouraging. having a lot more food cravings but mostly only when I walk through the kitchen so I'm staying away from it. so although I can feel the hunger, cravings are mostly suggestion. Glad I'm on break and can just rest. I am so happy to be succeeding, had I failed I would be feeling like absolute shit right now. Can't wait to weigh tomorrow! (pretty different from how I've felt lately lol)


new year's fast
untouchable1126
Starting midnight january 1st I will be fasting in the new year with a five day water fast. Tea will probably be ok too. I'm hoping to cut down on coke zero (maybe that should be my resolution, even though I don't really believe in that) so I'll try to leave that out too. Fasting hasn't been so great for me in the past but I love the feeling of control it gives, plus I feel so disgusting I just want to drop some weight as fast as possible, it is seriously depressing me. And succeeding will remind me that I do have control over myself and the power to be the person I want to be. Also it feels so purifying. I really want this and I will make it happen! once I have the complete control I will never let it go. I'm ready for this


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(no subject)
untouchable1126

there are so many things I want to say, keep secret, and don't understand. one thing I'm very happy about is when I met up with my friend in sf he said I basically looked the same, only a little more healthy (STAB! curse word). he said he remembered me getting really skinny and like unhealthy and scary but wasn't really much different than that now. and he also remembered from when I had first moved there and I was at my high weight (which was also juuuust under healthy). anyway it was one of the things I was worried about, like when I see him will he be like "you look DIFFERENT!"  just to clarify, he's not like perving on me, keeping the woman down with misogynist crap, etc it's just the type of work I was doing was very appearance oriented, and on top of the ED insecurity. I confided in him a lot including that it sucked ppl shit talking for both reasons. he said he thought skinny women were beautiful and that it was just better when they were slightly under, and that it was impressive when they could do it. anyway self esteem crusher averted lol


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